Dear Friends,

I must have been tired in some fashion yesterday … I slept twelve hours. I think this is a feature of my depression, but I am able to sleep more than was my custom. I seldom sleep longer than two or three hours, but can do so nearly any time. It gives my plaints of sleep-deprivation a hollow tone.

I find my complaints have begun to seem nugatory and to ring false in my own ears. I wonder if I have sounded so to others all this time? I now have the habit of feeling bad even when I don't … of complaining without need. I am not, emphatically not, saying that I don't feel bad — just that it has begun to sound false in my ears. I once read that one of the three best ways to lie is to tell the precise truth so unconvincingly that you are not believed. I seem to have fallen into this mode. How odd to possess verity without verisimilitude. I wonder if hypochondriacs are disbelieved because of the frequency of their complaints or due to their tenor?

For those of you stomping your feet, the other two ways to lie is to tell only part of the truth, or to say nothing at all.

How does one lend verisimilitude to veracity? By not speaking, I suppose. Pleonasm cheapens words. Ambrose Bierce once defined Pleonasm as an army of words escorting a corporal of thought. Yet is there value in silence? To make a commodity more rare is almost invariably to increase its worth. Why should this work with words? To make low-fat milk you add water until the fat content is adulterated to your taste. Will an amalgamation of words with silence produce low-fat speech? It would seem so.

I talk too much. It would appear I think too much about it as well.

I find my life measured in bitter installments of late. I am sensible as well of the failing of my will and of my ingenuity. Still, I find revivification repeatedly. I do not know its source. I'm pleased that it is so, but I lack proper comprehension of of both the source and the process. I will have to think on it awhile.

My session with my therapist was longer than usual today. Circumstances dictated my early arrival for my appointment and his availablity at that time. I feel as though I was more open with George than my usual. I don't really hold back in any significant way in my sessions, but I seldom find much of importance to say. Recent sessions have been vaguely validations of my thought processes and a pleasant break from the inanities of my daily contacts. I hope to move to a more productive stage in my therapy. I want to re-learn my ability to succeed at things and to put plans into action.

My memory cheated me of hours of my time today. I visited my medical doctor at ten o'clock and discovered that my appointment was for one-twenty. I called my sister to pick me up but was forced to leave a message. Needless to say, she did not check the messages and did not come to pick me up until I reached her subsequently. The same comedy was repeated in the afternoon following my correct attendance upon my physician and my later session with my therapist. Hours were wasted, but I have little else to occupy my time. I should not be irked, but feel so.

I am concerned about the caprices of my memory. I am uncertain, of course, of the degree of my lapses. I plan to find a way to gauge the state of my memory but have no real idea how to go about it.

I'm tired this afternoon. I'll write more later if assaulted by the muse.

Today has been defined by coffee and lucidity. I woke early this morning.

... Forgive me a brief digression. "Early" to me used to mean "before 5:30 am". Now it means "before 8:00 am". How strange to lose a habit of sleep — waking at 5:30 — after 30 years or more.

In any event, I woke early this morning, around 6:00 am. I started the day with a double shot of espresso in my hazelnut creme coffee. That's a good thing. It's now after 18:00 and I've finished the pot. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

While drinking coffee I've updated my Poetry Journal and my Prose forum. I'm not particularly proud of either effort, but at least it is an effort. I feel like writing for the first time in a long time. Correction: I feel as though my impulse to write may be practicable for the first time in a long time. Now that is most definitely a good thing.

I find it difficult to finish anything and that has been a deterrent to even beginning creating. I find myself thinking "What's the point?" or some equivalent when I decide to write (or draw or whatever) something. I am sensible that such negativity has long infused my thinking and my actions but my awareness of such is only now impinging on my more organized thought processes. I've long been aware that my thoughts are fragmented, my memory unreliable. Today I'm experiencing a lucidity that lets me know this and its extent.

I wish I had near to hand someone who knew me in the '60s. I'd like to compare notes and see if they see the same changes in me that I perceive. Now I'll grant you 40 years would change anyone, but the acuity I have lost since those days seems to me to be appalling. My memory of favorite books was so extensive that I could quote "chapter and verse" from Lord of the Rings and (Oh, for pity's sake!) In Cold Blood. Mother Earth News was high on my list of "authoritative sources" and I was enthusiastically Athiest.

I'll have to cut this reminiscence short. My sister has returned from a distant grocery with hams for Kim and Mario's upcoming wedding. Fool that I am I went down to help carry them upstairs. I've thrown my back out … again.

My thoughts tonight turn toward family and holidays. The two are intertwined in my mind, inseparable, commingled. In my youth, I celebrated few holidays. Christmas and Easter were the main ones. Little family association was present in those days. As I grew older, I became more closely associated with my parents and siblings. Birthdays became important and attendance mandatory. To Christmas and Easter we added Fourth of July (also my brother's birthday), Armistice day (my sister's birthday), Mother's day (my birthday, often), and Father's day (often my father's birthday and usually only a day away from my parents wedding anniversary). My mother's birthday was the 23rd of December and I recall that she always felt cheated because she often got "combined" birthday/Christmas presents. A mistake I never once made.

Because so many members of my family celebrated birthdays on or near holidays, the two were as one to me. Now that those people are not much a part of my life, I find myself reflecting on the holiday aspect of celebratory dates rather than their personal implications.

July 4th means little to me as a celebration of our nation's birth. I'm as patriotic as the next fellow and take some pride in being an American. Our celebration seems crass to me, though. My sensibilities are not offended by the hoopla that often occurs in conjunction with this date, but I am distressed by the things that are stressed and by the people who do so. The fourth should not be "Will Smith Movie Release Day". I don't like that. Politicians should be prohibited from campaigning within a week of the fourth. I dislike a man running for some ignoble office co-opting the actions of our founding fathers to make his mean achievements seem somehow more grandiose.

My idea of a great Independence Day celebration involves the Boston Pops.

Today was busy but pretty uninteresting. I managed a visit to the grocery without any significant trauma. In many ways this was the highlight of my day. I wore some of my new clothing today. I am pleased. I re-stocked my liquor cabinet ... that was easy. I returned to Belle, MO — something I thought I would not do — for banking purposes. The only interesting event of the day happened near to supper time when the postman rammed my sister's car.

The grocery store was uneventful. I resupplied my stock of Diet Pepsi. I am drinking entirely too much of that. I am now consuming an entire 2-liter bottle every day (well, usually). I'm going to have to find a new liquid to be the focus of my life. Water doesn't cut it as the local tap water gives me the shits. I refuse to pay a buck a bottle for water. Maybe a water filter is in order... hmmm.

I re-stocked my liquor cabinet. This is a simple process as it contains a single bottle. I got a call early in the week from Ray, the counter man at the local grocery's liquor department. He knows me because I once ordered a bottle of Patron tequila — a special order in this neighborhood. He got in a bottle and gave me a call. Today I picked up a bottle of Patron Gold. It is excellent stuff. Sounds like a "margarita night" is in order.

I wore some of my new clothes today. A new pair of jeans that don't fall down when I walk. I wore a brick-colored shirt that Iike quite a lot. I got pants and shirt at Eddie Bauer. I was thrilled that the jeans were a 38" waist. The last pair I bought (and all of those I currently own) are a 42" waist. My shirt was XL instead of XXL. Why do I weight the same?

My trip to Belle was a bit unexpected. I went with two friends to introduce them to the banker there. Things went very well. They got along well with the loan officer and got approved for a loan to help out with their upcoming nuptials. Bill, the loan officer went above and beyond to be accomodating and helpful. We made him late for a dental appointment but he hung in and got things done. Belle State Bank and Bill get my vote for "Best Bank (and banker)" of the year.

In mid-afternoon, my sister and the postman had a major falling out. Our postman (woman... Patty is her name) is rather tyrannical. It annoys her that anyone can park within a thousand miles of my mailbox. She has suggested (a bit forcefully, in my opinion) that I should move my mailbox. I refuse to put my mailbox at the bottom of a hill that I will have to shuffle up and down in the winter to get my mail. Today, she hit my sister's parked car while delivering mail and just drove away. My sis' friend called the police. Sis ran patty down at the next mailbox. They had a heated exchange. Later, talking to Patty's supervisor, my sis got no satisfaction. I have no hobby. I may make this my hobby.

Delay

It's been four days since I updated last. I don't remember the substance of that update and haven't the patience to go back and read it so I don't repeat myself. Suffer.

Last Week

Eventful describes last week accurately but incorrectly, somehow.

• I had news of my brother that disheartened me..
• I was contacted by the bureaucratic nexus that handles blind pensions and medicaid..
• I cancelled my trip to Florida.
• A camera I bought for the Trip to Florida arrived.
• The 7-year-old was on vacation.
• My dog ate my shoes.
• I bought the first pound of "good" coffee I've had in months.
• I failed to find a psychiatrist and won a minor victory over the insurance company from Hell.
• I didn't go to the local renaissance fair.
• I didn't go to prison.

News of My Brother

My brother John surrendered to the authorities on the 18th. That would have been my parent's 68th wedding anniversary. It would have been the day after my father's birthday. He was sentenced to at least seven counts of five years each and four counts of four years each. Initially, one of the dimwits he hung out with told me that they were to be served concurrently and added the numbers up in such a fashion that I knew he meant consecutively. I discounted his information from the beginning but believed based upon more reliable reports of the procecutor's lurid histrionics that he was, indeed, sentenced to consecutive terms. A couple of days later, it turned out to be concurrent. Over the weekend it went back to consecutive.

A call to the prosecutor's office cleared up nothing. Apparently now that the trial is over the prosecutor has no interest in John or anyone associated. I will have to call/write/visit the clerk of the circuit court and demand transcripts of the proceedings.

It is possible that the program of "120-day shock" (a de-tox program) John is undergoing may result in a probation hearing at its successful completion. I need to find out what is going to happen to him.

John's house is also in my name. He is listed as owner, but my sister and I each have a one-third interest. I need to find out what the means. I have no interest in being involved with the house, but I want to find out if I have any liabilities.

I am incredibly upset by this. Even the minimum sentence John is likely to serve is likely to be fatal to him. We have been estranged a very long time but I don't want to see him dead.

Bureaucratic Nexus

Some agency or other sent me a notice of an appointment. It arrived Saturday the 26th setting the appointment for Monday the 28th (today) at 8:00. This inconsiderate scheduling was compounded with rudeness of the sort I particularly detest.

I arrived on Four Seasons Drive (a street that appears on no map I could find) at 8:10 worried that I was late. Finding Four Seasons Drive was compounded by the fact that the "Drive" consists in its entirety, of the parking lot of the building where I was to meet.

I discovered that the entire staff of the department was attending "the Monday morning meeting". I was told that the meeting seldom lasted past "9:00 or 9:30. Sometimes 10:00 or 10:30" and lost heart. I came in agitated at my lateness. I detest being late and dislike it in others. This callous scheduling of my time against what is obviously a regular event made me angry. I worked out my anger eating eggs benedict at a nearby restaurant.

I returned at 9:00 and discovered that I was at the end of a queue. I would be seen after all the other people there despite my "scheduled" 8:00 appointment. My expression must have been eloquent, the receptionist gave the nearby security guard a meaningful look. This failed to impress me as I had heard him discussing, while I stood in line, his recent D&D adventures in utterly clueless terms. The man was a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal.

My exasperation served me well, I suppose. I was ushered to the head of the line a few minutes later getting me (according to my sister who was there as my driver) numerous dirty looks. I guess it pays to be the blind buy. The large, pissed-off, blind guy.

The interview was in tune with the rest of the day. The civil-servant who was processing my claim for a blind pension and medicaid kept leaving her desk to consult someone else as she had "never done one of these before". That is forgivable, but disheartening. One such absence continued long enough for me to fall asleep.

After filling out a number of forms and granting right to examine my medical and financial conditions, I left. I left with no knowledge whatsoever what to expect or precisely what I had accomplished.

I am terrified by the fact that I have apparently scheduled this meeting on three other occasions. I have no memory of having done so.

Trip to Florida

I was due to leave for Florida the 25th. It didn't work out. I had intended to see Becky in New Smyrna Beach from the 25th to the 29th. I would then follow with a visit to Ed in Tampa until the 10th. After that I would go to see Luis in Austin.

Luis is just getting settled with his fiancee and a new apartment. That leg of the trip went first. Ed called to cancel on me because his in-laws are having problems. There went that leg of the trip. Somehow I lost Becky's phone number, so she kept checking on me at our agreed-upon meeting place until she finally got an e-mail explaining that I was not coming.

I would have stayed with Becky a little longer and done the vacation anyway but the purpose of the visit was to see NSB, Tampa, and Austin with an eye to finding a new place to call home. I will accomplish this goal in the winter instead of the summer. It occurs to me that traveling south in January is a lot better than doing it in June anyway.

Digital Camera

My trip to florida entailed, at least to my mind, the acquisition of a camera. I might have done well enough with disposables. I am not, for pity's sake, going to be taking good pictures — I'm blind. I did the math however and for a three week visit with a possibility of a couple of hundred pictures a digital camera (and the subsequent ownership of the camera) made the purchase economical. OK. I just wanted one.

I bought the HP model and added a 256m memory chip. As near as I can tell it will hold about 60 shots at the highest (1024x768) resolution of which it is capable. That is quite adequate for me.

I have enjoyed playing with the camera the last few days.

Cheyenne

Cheyenne has been staying with her father for the last few days. She will be home tomorrow. Her presence will change the whole tenor of the household. The dogs love it when she his home because she and they keep going all day long.

My Dog Ate My Shoes

During my visit to the bureaucracy today, my dog gathered socks and a pair of house shoes and carted them off to the lawn. She chewed holes in one shoe so I now find myself in need of replacements. Bad! Bad dog!

"Good" Coffee

I found a "Mills Brothers" coffee kiosk at Schnuck's grocery the other day. It is hardly "gourmet" coffee but it is better quality than I have had in a while. I bought a flavored blend, Hazelnut. I have been enjoying it all week.

Psychiatric Drought

I have called, I think literally, every psychiatrist in town. Not one that is on my plan is accepting new patients. None of those not on my insurance plan will see me in less than 6 months.

My insurance company from Hell finally conceded that if I could find a doctor they would pay. They would have me make an appointment with anyone at all so they can keep up with some administrative requirement. I refuse to work with someone who can only see me twice a year.

Rennaisance Faire

There was a Rennaisance Fair in Jefferson City this weekend. It was from 11:00 to 4:00 on Saturday. I wanted to go, silly me. Nobody would take me. It was lame in the extreme judging from the web site. Sour grapes? Naah, I know lame when I see it.

No Prison For Me

Sunday I was scheduled to tour the new prison facility just completed East of town. I slept not at all Saturday night so I blew it off. I would like to have seen the place. One does not often get a chance to tour such places. C'est la merde.

Tensions are running high at the ol' homestead. Misinformation abounds and I don't know just what I should disregard. I'll not run down the list of misstatements and prevarications for you. Let's leave it that it is all unsettling to me. My disposition is fragile. This makes it worse.

I met Betty at the store the other day. I had thought her moved to Colorado. She went there months ago for training. Before leaving she discussed staying there. I heard nothing from her for the last few months and assumed she moved. The one occasion when I called her phone, it was disconnected or out of service. I know Betty from National Federation of the Blind (NFB) meetings. I may renew our acquaintance now that I know she is in town.

I have a new toy. The digital camera I ordered for my trip has arrived. Expect a flood of puppy pictures. Delta finally capitulated and refunded my ticket. They kept $50 per ticket, but I can live with that. I dug out my old tripod and may play.

1. My brother's sentence was not what I thought it was.
1. Instead of Rehab and a 7 year sentence, the histrionics of the prosecutor caused the judge to reconsider and sentence him to 4 consecutive seven year sentences.
2. My brother is likely going to die in prison.
3. Because this sentencing was following a plea bargain it appears that my brother has no right to appeal.
2. I won't be traveling to Florida.
1. Ed can't be in town when I planned to travel.
2. I can't reach Becky.
3. I bought a camera for the trip.
4. My plane fares are not refundable.
5. I can't convince Delta to give me some kind of a credit for the ticket.
6. This kills my plans to meet Moley in St. Petersburg.
7. This kills my plans to meet Anodyne in St. Louis.
8. I am not going to be able to look for a place to live in FL… for a while
3. Kim & Mario learned they are in a custody fight.
1. They consulted a lawyer.
2. He wants $3k.
3. They are broke due to their wedding at the end of July.
4. They applied for a loan at the bank.
5. It was refused.
6. I called my bank and offered to co-sign a loan for them.
7. The bank never called back.
8. Kim tried to call her daughter.
9. Nobody answered the phone all day.

On the brighter side of things, the volcano did not erupt, the dam did not burst, and there was no cattle stampede …

1. I'm having a bad day.
1. My head hurts.
2. My back hurts.
3. My sis is sick.
4. I am out of soda.
1. I made an appointment to ride the bus to the grocery because I thought nobody would be home.
2. I cancelled the bus trip to the grocery because everybody is home.
3. Nobody wants to take me to the grocery.


2. My travel plans are made.
1. I screwed up my flight to Daytona. I booked 8pm instead of 8am. I got it corrected it but it took hours.
1. I now have a 6am flight.
2. It is on the 25th instead of the 26th.
4. That means getting up at 3am to get to St. Louis on time.
5. I am going to have to take a bus from Daytona Beach.


2. Becky won't be home because of the date change.
1. I will have to wait hours at a restaurant for Becky to get off work


3. The house has been a bedlam today.
1. Kim and Mario have guests
2. Three of the guests are kids.
3. The house has been enjoyable loud.
4. I think the guests are staying the night.

The weekend report

I think the next couple of weeks will be unbearable for the anticipation. I am going to travel to New Smyrna Beach on the 26th. I'll arrive in Daytona beach around noon. Then I'll catch a 2:20 bus to NSB. The schedule says it is about a 20 minute ride.

Phase 2

From NSB I'll travel to Tampa. The Mighty Ed will pick me up in NSB on the 30th or 1st and drive me back to Tampa. I'll stay with him for a fairly long stretch — to the 10th.

I will be pretty busy in Tampa. I'm going to do a lot of shopping, I have no clothing less than three years old. I'm also going to spend some time with Ed's Mac. I may eventually replace my computer with a Mac. Most of the time in tampa will be spent shopping for a neighborhood. I will be looking for a place close to the resources I need to get by and on the bus lines. It will also have to be close enough to a doctor and a hospital to be a reasonable cab ride. I don't know what resources, handicapped transport, discounts, whatever but that is something I hope to discover while in FL.

I think I will go from Tampa to Austin on the 10th. I plan to spend a few days with friends there and a few days with Luis. I want to explore the area around UofT and see if it is somewhere I'd enjoy living. After the 17th I may fly back to Missouri or be picked up.

Good News Yesterday

Yesterday was a "good news" day. I heard from my disability lawyer. My disability pension has been approved. It will be 60 days or longer before I begin to receive money, but I can hold out until then. Being officially "disabled" feels like a defeat in some ways. However, now I have a little stability in my life and my insurance from hell can't derail me at a whim. I can, at last, make small expenditures without the niggling feeling that I am "wasting" money that I "may need later".

Plans

With a stable income for at least the next few months, I can make some much needed changes in my life. I am going to make two trips to do some scouting. I hope to spend about two weeks in Florida. I want to spend a week with Becky in New Smyrna Beach and a week with Mighty Ed in Tampa. In each place I hope to locate cheap housing and identify means of transportation. The trip should be cheap as I will have a place to stay in both towns and my biggest expense will be travel to and from each place. I will have to shell out some "gas money" and buy meals, that sort of thing, but it shouldn't be outrageous. I hope that my jaunt to Florida will enable me to identify the needed resources that would enable me to live in an assisted living or similar situation. Perhaps I can find a very cheap studio apartment near the resources I require.

My second planned trip will be to Austin. Luis has spoken well of the place. I think I would like to live in a "university district" again. If the finances line up, it would be a good place for me. I will look at such places in Florida, but Tampa hasn't such an area, really. I think Austin has a "near campus" area with all the usual cheap housing, cheap restaurants, and generally student-oriented areas. I could live well in such a place, I think. I would like to try again.

It's been a busy three days. I haven't posted because I just couldn't cope with a lot of it. There has been good news and bad news and all of it seems to have added to my stress levels. I am obsessing unpleasantly about things that are just unreasonable. I am going to try and write about them to alleviate the obessing.

Friday

My brother was in court. I won't air the family linen more than to say his sentence was about the best that could be expected. I don't honestly know the circumstances but he pled guilty and was sentenced to seven years and enforced rehab. I think that it is the best thing. I said so in my "character reference" and that seems to have angered my brother to such a degree that he wishes no further contact with me or my sister. C'est la vie, I suppose.

The same day my lawyer came by and gave me the good news and the bad news. The good news is that he has consulted with the judge and she is inclined to grant my disability claim. Hallelujah! It will make so many aspects of my life easier to manage. The bad news is that they won't accept my date of disability — which would give me almost three years of back pay — they want to date it only about a year ago. It makes no sense to me, but I agreed so as to avoid having to argue things in court. It looks, basically, like I'll get disability but only enough back pay to pay my lawyer. Not a bad bargain, really. I will get the final word on Tuesday the 8th at 15:00.

Saturday

Saturday was spend calming my sister. She and my brother had a face-off and physical confrontation. She had to work with her friend on her car — which is finally running again — and wasn't able to work off the anger except in spurts. She has been cycling between giddy (at relief of not having to deal with my brother) and angry (at not having to deal with my brother). Everybody has been in between.

Sis's good news is that she now has a vehicle. She also has a line on a job at Ft. Leonard Wood. It is an area she likes and she will be returning to familiar territory, having worked at the PX in the past.

Sunday

Sunday has been quiet. I am very down today for no discernible reason. I have been watching The Lady in White a movie that I genuinely enjoy. I have The Wall, Roughnecks, and Georg Carlin: Messing With Your Mind on DVD so I will be watching them the next couple of days.

I'm really really tired.